When I Fall.

We went up to the mountain where we first kissed, one of our favorite drives. We are slowly making our way through all its twisted side roads—trying to find ways to go higher and farther while there is no snow. As we we were driving back down, we spotted a road we had yet to follow and decided to go up a ways and see if it went anywhere. It seemed to go on for a while and we needed to go home, so we stopped and got out to look around and stretch our legs. On the left side, more mountain; on the right side, a sharp drop onto a bed of rocks and then the endless sea of green. I was mesmerized by the sight and walked closer to the right. Up until then, I had been thinking of how good I felt, but at that moment, all of that was gone, and all I knew was that I should throw myself off.

I walked closer to the edge, slowly so as to not call CJ's attention to what I was getting ready to do. But I didn't want to be quiet—I wanted to lift my arms and feel the air and laugh and fly and die. I drew closer and closer to the edge, and then he grabbed my hand from behind.

"Watch yourself," he told me.

I turned around, shocked and looked at him, but his eyes pierced me and I couldn't stand it. I buried my head on his shoulder and tried to bring my frenzied thoughts to a stop. I tried not to cry, but a tear escaped me all the same.

"Are you OK?" he asked, worried, putting his hands on my shoulders. "Look at me and tell me you're OK."

"Yes," I lied, but my voice was shaking and I couldn't hold his gaze. "I'm fine."

"Let's go home, OK?" And he walked me to the car with his hand around my waist and closed the door behind me. He drove down fast and we made the trip to his place without saying a word. I looked out the window and longed to be able to jump and hated myself for doing this while he was with me.

"I should go home," I tried to say without sounding shaken up after we'd parked.

"I'd feel a lot better if you stayed here," he told me.

We went back and forth like that for a while, until I gave him my keys. I didn't know what I wanted; I thought about saying that I'd stay but sneaking out after he'd fallen asleep and going back up the mountain. But in the end, there's always more time to die, and I felt too lost to make up my mind. We made our way to the bedroom, where he sat next to me and held me tight and tried to make me feel better. I shook and cried and told him more than I intended to, but in the end we went to sleep like always, tangled up and giggling and tired, and I did feel better the next morning.