The foreign policy issue

Since the McCain campaign has not yet heeded my call for a McCain/Cake ticket for 2008, I thought I would propose yet another alternative: McCain/Me. After seeing the Facebook group "I have more Foreign Policy Experience than Sarah Palin" grow to thirty-five thousand strong, I find that I can no longer stand on the sidelines while the GOP's choice is smeared. It is time for me to throw my hat in the ring.

Following the stringent standards used the Republican Party and Sarah Palin's own spokeswoman in this Washington Post piece, I give you the Sporks Foreign Policy Resume Highlights:

• Lived in over ten cities in three (3) different countries
• Have visited five (5) additional countries, and many other states within the US
• Have eaten food from over THIRTY (30) different countries, as well as fusion cuisine, exemplifying my willingness to reach across the aisle
• Have met people from at least eleven (11) different countries

Since a picture is worth a thousand words, I have included below a map of my foreign policy experience which details how I'm uniquely qualified to deal and reach out to each of these countries. Click on each marker for more details.


View Larger Map

Now, I realize that, technically, I'm not legally allowed to run for Vice President, since I'm not from the US. But, if Mitt Romney can claim that we need "change from a liberal Washington [...] throw out the big government liberals!", I'm sure the party can come up with something for me. After all, reality has never been an obstacle for the GOP.

Vote McCain/Sporks in 2008!

An alternative Republican ticket for 2008

all links safe for work except on first paragraph.



Since Mr. McCain appears to think that all it will take to sway female voters is a vagina on the ticket, may I suggest an alternative pick for the VP spot: this delicious vagina cake [NSFW] from The Erotic Bakery [NSFW] in Seattle.


The McCain/Cake ticket would offer voters:

• A chance to steal the Democrat's new focus on Western issues, since Ms. Cake is from Washington state
• An in with the traditionally liberal-leaning Pacific Northwest
• An opportunity to reach out to gamers, with whom Cake is already extremely popular
• A chance to tap into the power of internet users, with whom Vagina is even more popular
• Since Ms. Cake has no past to speak of, this allows the McCain campaign to keep its current vetting process in place, giving them the freedom to focus on more important issues, like reminding everyone all the time that McCain was a POW.

Additionally, Ms. Cake offers the following advantages over the current pick:

• No offspring born under bizarre circumstances
• No unwed pregnant Cakelets necessitating shotgun weddings in the national spotlight
• No other familial skeletons in the closet
• No former association with any parties advocating secession
• No past abuses of power or ethics issues
• No prior relationship with lobbyists or disgraced politicians
• No history of courting earmarks
• More domestic and foreign policy experience than Sarah Palin

Sure, Ms. Cake may not know how to field-dress a moose, but I believe the American public would be willing to overlook this shortcoming, even though it's a crucial part of the Vice Presidential duties, because, as Joe Lieberman reminds us, these are no ordinary times. And Vagina Cake is no ordinary VP pick.

Sunday morning, part two

This is the more pleasant side of my Sunday mornings. We use this recipe from the Seattle Times (though our cooking time is a lot shorter); here he's already drizzled the pancake with clarified butter. He usually eats his portion with maple syrup; I put fruit or jam on mine.

Brave new...something

I got a phone call from a collections agency today; they were demanding (because collections agencies are not huge on the nice) that I pay them right-now-exclamation-mark for a medical bill I'd either already paid about half a year ago, or was new enough that the hospital hadn't even billed me yet (both transactions had similar balances, and figuring out which it was was part of the problem).

That's not very interesting. What's interesting, at least to me, is how much of my life is online.

Because this phone call was a complete out-of-the-blue surprise, I didn't have any documentation of dates of service or previous bills or any other paperwork with me. But I was able to gather all these things by just looking at a few places online.

I was able to get dates and amounts already paid from Mint, and further details on specific transactions through my banks' online sites. I got dates of doctor's appointments from Google Calendar, and further details on the timing of my MRI from Twitter. I was able to narrow down the end of my Orencia treatments and rheumatologist visits from this blog.

What's ironic, though, is that the hospital's online billing site, the insurance carrier's site, and the collection agency's payment site were all completely useless. They are annoying to use, their data is outdated, and they have no useful searching to speak of. They frequently error or time out, and the interfaces look dated; you're generally better off calling these companies, even considering how terrible most over-the-phone customer service (both in terms of competency, and, you know, service) is. These companies would do well to learn a thing or two from these flexible (and free) services.

In the end, we figured out where exactly the bill was coming from, and everything ended well. But that's not very interesting, either.

Buying an iPhone, rheumatoid arthritis edition

The point of this post is not to complain about stuff hurting, but just to give people an idea of how my rheumatoid arthritis affects all kinds of little things.

I got an iPhone a bit over a week ago. I figured I'd held off long enough (over a month), so it wouldn't be too bad of a crowd. There was still something of a wait--45 minutes to maybe an hour, which wasn't too horrible, except that it was warm, which makes my hands and feet swell up until they feel like inflated baseball mitts.

So, I sat outside and waited until it felt like I had balloons for hands and feet; eventually, a young employee in a brightly colored t-shirt called out my name. My husband, who had wandered off to the bookstore while I waited (I can't walk around the bookstore--well, I can't walk around the anything for more than 15 minutes), had returned by then, so he walked with me into the store to get the phone and get it activated.

The Apple Store, unlike most retail places, actually has some seating--there are some tall stools around the counters that someone might use while test-driving a computer. Unfortunately the stools were too tall for me--they would require me to stand on my tiptoes and l wiggle my butt onto them, and you try doing that on balloon feet. But, I am a nerd and the power of shiny new gadgets compelled me, so I persevered. The counters were high enough that I could lean on them somewhat comfortably.

Getting set up with AT&T took a bit longer than for most people--I have an unusual name, so the credit check involves more back-and-forth than normal. After that was all done, the employee handed me the box, cut the plastic shrink wrap on one side, and told me to get it out--I guess so I could bond with it.

I can't get the box to come open. I struggle with it for a while, but instead of offering help, the employee runs off to get a car charger. I give up and my husband opens the box for me. A similar struggle ensues when I try to get the damn thing out of the box. I know people wax poetic about Apple's packaging (seriously, this is why people hate Mac fanboys), but for someone with hand problems, it's just frustrating. The sales guy returns, and we walk a few tortuous steps to the counter across the way to plug it into a laptop and turn it on for the first time and activate it. There, sales guy asks me to plug it into the USB adapter, where another hilarious episode of "Sausage Hands Vs Things That Require Dexterity" takes place. I fumble for a while and apologetically try to explain to him that I have "bad hands" (because "I have an autoimmune condition and this goddamn weather is making my hands feel like water wings," just takes too long), and he just sits there; hubby to the rescue again. We pay and I waddle back to the car, where I am free to play with my shiny new toy, and bitch about Apple for not having copy and paste on their phone.

Because really, who does that.

Sunday morning

I start my Sundays with fourteen pills.

But it's not all bad. Husband usually makes a giant pancake, too.

[Found it]

I found Mafalda (my cat) on the 21st. I was taking my dog Jack outside--I had taken the day off from work--and called Mafalda more out of reflex than anything; by then I was pretty sure he wasn't coming back--he'd been gone for almost four weeks. But he started meowing back at me when I called his name.

At first, I thought I was hallucinating; but I kept hearing him, so I rushed inside with the dog, hobbled up the stairs, shoved my shoes on as best as I could, and hobbled back down, almost falling on my face. I started making my way down the shared strip of grass, still calling, and he meowing back, until I came to the unit that had reported fat cat sightings, and there he was, hiding in the bushes. I dragged him out and took him out, cursing him all the way back.

He's lost some weight; his butt is pretty bony, but he still has a big floppy belly.

My fat cat has gone missing =(

Monday night, he didn't come to bed. I figured he was downstairs getting something to eat. I woke up Tuesday morning and realized he hadn't been to the bedroom all night. We've posted some flyers and Mr. Sporks is checking out shelters right now. I have no idea how he got out of the house.

Spleen: we should make a presentation before the UN assembly
Spleen: and present a plan for betterment of the world via a more liberal application of face-punching

Killing time

Well, it's been a while, but I'm one of those "don't feel like sharing" kicks. So instead of actually updating anything about my personal life, I will tell you about other things to kill time:

First, on the "holy crap I'm bored to death" front, signed up on Twitter. Add me to share in my boredom.

Second, and most importantly, I got a Nabaztag for Christmas. Its name is Spipi (you can send a message from the site). It's a fun toy, but it has its share of problems. It's quite easy to get it working if you have an open wireless network, but who does that? Getting it on a secured network took some doing; the bunny's instructions themselves weren't complicated, but it didn't want to play nice with our network. I did notice that there is a mistake in the instructions (the advanced settings tell you to only enter an IP address if you're using DHCP, when clearly it should be the opposite). What's been most annoying, though, is the lack of documentation: you'd imagine that, since these have existed for a while and they're such a nerd thing, there'd be lot of documentation out there; but most of what you find is half-assed reviews where people say "wow, looks cool, kind of pricy, though," and very little actual facts (like the fact that the RFID "sense of smell" isn't implemented at all, or that Violet's services can be somewhat unstable). You can subscribe to most features for free; Violet used to have some subscription plans, but by the time I got my bunny, all mention of them had been removed from their site. There's no really good communication from Violet to their users (their blogs are infrequently and poorly updated--much like this one, but then I'm not selling anything); quirky things happen--my bunny, for example, reads the title of all my RSS feeds with a French accent, but the headlines themselves, with an American accent--and there's no good explanation for it. But, for all the annoyances, it is a really cool toy; it's nice to just have it read stuff to me, and if it's interesting, I go check it out. Plus, the weather forecast makes me giggle.