Monday, October 23, 2000

ramblings of an oversized chew toy.

I haven't written for a while because I honestly don't know what to write about. I could go on about being depressed, but I imagine that'd be dreadfully boring. And besides, I'm not depressed all the time; I don't feel like a complete failure all the time, though perhaps I should. I do have a pretty nice life, all in all. I've got a nice family, a good place to live, an insane but sweet cat who likes to chew on everything, a good roommate, and a great boyfriend who puts up with my fits of self- bashing and doesn't mind my silliness.

Writing about anything other than what goes on in my head will eventually lead to me telling you about the people around me, and I'm not sure how to do that without bothering them or myself. I could write about some old one-night stand or about things with CJ now or our plans for the future and the things I find myself daydreaming of, but I worry about what he'd think. Ah well.

Tomorrow I'm going with GK to the doctor. GK is a girl I met while attending a program at the hospital for depressed/bipolar/etc people. She refuses to try medication, and sometimes that really bothers me. She is, all in all, a nice person, and never before have I been so bothered by someone I actually like. Everything with her is just really complicated—it’s never yes or no; picking a place for lunch can be an hours-long endeavor—and she likes so many things I despise. She likes hanging out at the mall, boy bands, and wants a traditional family; she's unhappy with the way she looks, but she won't do anything about it because she doesn't have a guy to do it for. And so on. All these things make me feel so smug and superior and conceited and judgmental. I don't think I should care about these things; it is her life, after all, and it's not as if she's trying to make me change the way I want to live mine, but she gets this very strong reaction out of me nonetheless. One of the things that I really really strongly believe is that you should be free to do whatever you want as long as you're not hurting anyone else; so if she wants to hang out at the mall and follow boy bands, I should not only be ok with it but I don't think I should feel superior. Feeling superior, in my mind, shows a lack of respect for her choices. And where does it say that having Sartre instead of Steel on your nightstand makes you happier or better?

And yet, I do think the things I pick are better, there's no denying that; otherwise, I wouldn't choose them. And so it's back to the previous paragraph. This makes me a hypocrite beyond what I'm comfortable with (I'm ok with everyone being a hypocrite to some extent, as long as they're aware of it), and so I feel really uncomfortable around her when I let myself think of these things.

But anyway, I'm going to the doctor with her tomorrow to lend moral support. Later, I'm taking my cat to the vet. Luckily, I have no superiority issues with my cat, and to him I'm just an oversized chew toy who brings him food once in a while.

Wednesday, October 11, 2000

I'm depressed and a bit cranky. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I did alright for the first week of school, even though I couldn't for the life of me remember any of the old math stuff. Chinese was easy enough, and I even had some hope that I could hammer physics into my head. By the start of the second week, though, I was barely able to stand up I was so dizzy—the people at my pharmacy screwed up my medication refill and the dizziness was part of withdrawal—so I missed class. By the time I was able to go back, I was stressing out big time; I was throwing up and getting sick before school, and I started having panic attacks in the parking lot again. It just got worse, until I was useless. Again.

That's pretty much it. I'm withdrawing. Again.

Hi, my name is Anesly, and I'm a big failure. Nice to meet you.

RF and I went to see an immigration lawyer to see if there was anything that could be done about my situation. He said that basically there was nothing we could do until I graduated. He suggested I take an extra hard load and get my degree as soon as possible. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I emailed my parents over two weeks ago because I was really depressed. I sent them pictures, and I begged them to email me back, just a short note letting me know that they had gotten my message ok if nothing else. Several days later, my mom called. To remind me to send her some documents. They hadn't even looked at email. She promised she'd look at it as soon as she got off the phone. Nothing happened. To make matters worse, when I went to withdraw money from the bank account, there was nothing there. They have a habit of doing that without bothering to warn me. I suppose they figure RF will take care of me. I don't know.

I have felt very sad lately. I'd come home after school, undress, and curl up in bed with my cat, and try to sleep the day away. But there's only so much sleeping you can do. I don't feel comfortable anywhere; not here, and not at CJ's, and of course not at school. I can barely set foot in the place without throwing up. I was spending some time in the car, driving, and that felt a alright, but I don't have money for gas, and sitting in the parked car in the garage just doesn't do it. It's gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, like an eternal itch; all I want is to be able to leap out of myself and find some place peaceful.

CJ comes by after school, and that helps, but the problem is me, and maybe I'm broken beyond fixing.