In Russia, arthritis has you!

There was an excellent show on KUOW's Weekday (click this entry title to go to the archive and listen) about arthritis. I was at work and missed the very start, but found myself at times simply devastated by it. The host read an email from me--not the whole thing, because it was pretty long, but he got the gist--at the end ("Ainsly") :

"I'm a 26 year-old female, and was first diagnosed with rheumatoid at age 20. My parents couldn't believe that their young daughter, living in the US, had this 'old people's disease,' and that it was chronic and that I couldn't just take a pill and it'd go away.

"Without medication I can barely move. My Saturdays now start with 12 pills and an injection; occasionally and without warning, though, I'll still wake up and be unable to stand. I am always in some amount of pain and I expect to be for the rest of my life."

and Mary Felstiner, who has written Out of Joint: A Private and Public Story of Arthritis responded:

"I just want to say something personal to Anesly--Anesly, this was me you're describing, and I believed that I would never have a good day again, certainly never a good week. I was in despair for many years of my life. Really, that's not how it turned out, and it's not how it's probably going to turn out for you; most likely, you're going to meet the treatment that's going to help, or the series of treatments that are going to help."

I have been wondering ever since--am I really so much in despair? I certainly feel like I have stopped fighting the arthritis. I used to think to myself, I have arthritis, and not the other way around, but I don't anymore. I have turned into a passive lump who swallows pills and visits the doctor and basically just goes through the motions, but I think--no, I know that I don't have a chance against this thing. I have lost all sense of perspective--I've mentioned this before. I don't know what it is to be well; this malaise has seeped into every aspect, every nook and cranny of my life. My joints feel either swollen or numb and cold; I'm on a high dose of steroids which is wreaking havoc on my body but allows me to move; if I lower the dose, no matter what other medications I'm on, I can barely walk or sleep. I am always tired, so very tired. I fall asleep everywhere.

I am so tired of being in pain.

This doesn't mean all my days are spent moping around. I drive to work, I am able to shower most days, though putting my socks and shoes on is incredibly difficult and painful on good days, and simply impossible in bad ones. I can type, though writing by hand is very painful. When I go home though, I am so exhausted that I don't want to do much other than sit at my computer and play WoW. The dirty dishes and clothes pile around the house and I don't care. Or when I do care, I am simply too tired to muster the energy to do anything about it.

Even here I sound mopy and contradict myself.

There are things that cheer me up and bring me joy. I love to go on drives with my husband and take the dogs to places; orange juice and coffee make me feel better; the cats come and cuddle with me or sit on my desk, and that makes me happy. I rant at talking heads on the radio and my husband is, luckily, amused by me. I love to see him laugh at my dorky jokes.

So, not all is moping, but I fear that the disease has embedded itself so deep into whatever it is that is me, that I can no longer separate it or cast it out. I don't just have arthritis anymore; I am arthritic.