I'm depressed and a bit cranky. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I did alright for the first week of school, even though I couldn't for the life of me remember any of the old math stuff. Chinese was easy enough, and I even had some hope that I could hammer physics into my head. By the start of the second week, though, I was barely able to stand up I was so dizzy—the people at my pharmacy screwed up my medication refill and the dizziness was part of withdrawal—so I missed class. By the time I was able to go back, I was stressing out big time; I was throwing up and getting sick before school, and I started having panic attacks in the parking lot again. It just got worse, until I was useless. Again.

That's pretty much it. I'm withdrawing. Again.

Hi, my name is Anesly, and I'm a big failure. Nice to meet you.

RF and I went to see an immigration lawyer to see if there was anything that could be done about my situation. He said that basically there was nothing we could do until I graduated. He suggested I take an extra hard load and get my degree as soon as possible. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I emailed my parents over two weeks ago because I was really depressed. I sent them pictures, and I begged them to email me back, just a short note letting me know that they had gotten my message ok if nothing else. Several days later, my mom called. To remind me to send her some documents. They hadn't even looked at email. She promised she'd look at it as soon as she got off the phone. Nothing happened. To make matters worse, when I went to withdraw money from the bank account, there was nothing there. They have a habit of doing that without bothering to warn me. I suppose they figure RF will take care of me. I don't know.

I have felt very sad lately. I'd come home after school, undress, and curl up in bed with my cat, and try to sleep the day away. But there's only so much sleeping you can do. I don't feel comfortable anywhere; not here, and not at CJ's, and of course not at school. I can barely set foot in the place without throwing up. I was spending some time in the car, driving, and that felt a alright, but I don't have money for gas, and sitting in the parked car in the garage just doesn't do it. It's gotten to the point where I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, like an eternal itch; all I want is to be able to leap out of myself and find some place peaceful.

CJ comes by after school, and that helps, but the problem is me, and maybe I'm broken beyond fixing.