twitch, twitch

School starts on Monday and I'm not feeling all that great. I've been incredibly fidgety and nervous. I sleep intermittently until noon, dreaming suffocating dreams, and I wake up tired and with my mouth dry. I lay in bed for a long time, staring at my surroundings, hot and uncomfortable, not really thinking of anything; my brain tries to make small talk and occasionally throws in a thought of all the things I should take care of today, or of what to wear, or of the weather. I finally get up, taking more time than necessary, and I slowly waste the rest of the day; while my movements are slow, my mind is racing, latching onto small pointless things and obsessing over them. That is why, in these past few days, I find myself eating too much and spending too much money on stupid things. The smallest thing--cheesecake, a pair of shoes, a book, underwear, a drink, whatever, anything to keep my mind away from what's really bothering me, grows until there's no room for anything else. In the evening, CJ comes over, and having him around brings me a little bit of peace. At night, after he's gone to sleep, I lay in bed, awake, at first thinking of nothing and only making sure to not cry, until I find something to latch onto, until the silence and my thoughts become deafening and I fall asleep exhausted.