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I've felt better the past couple of days. In fact, I feel a little too ok with everything--school starts tomorrow and I've made no preparations. My therapist (yes, I have a therapist—bite me) is going to have a field day with this.

twitch, twitch

School starts on Monday and I'm not feeling all that great. I've been incredibly fidgety and nervous. I sleep intermittently until noon, dreaming suffocating dreams, and I wake up tired and with my mouth dry. I lay in bed for a long time, staring at my surroundings, hot and uncomfortable, not really thinking of anything; my brain tries to make small talk and occasionally throws in a thought of all the things I should take care of today, or of what to wear, or of the weather. I finally get up, taking more time than necessary, and I slowly waste the rest of the day; while my movements are slow, my mind is racing, latching onto small pointless things and obsessing over them. That is why, in these past few days, I find myself eating too much and spending too much money on stupid things. The smallest thing--cheesecake, a pair of shoes, a book, underwear, a drink, whatever, anything to keep my mind away from what's really bothering me, grows until there's no room for anything else. In the evening, CJ comes over, and having him around brings me a little bit of peace. At night, after he's gone to sleep, I lay in bed, awake, at first thinking of nothing and only making sure to not cry, until I find something to latch onto, until the silence and my thoughts become deafening and I fall asleep exhausted.

things i've bought lately:

• wire
• knitting needles
• embroidery threads
• goat milk
• rose-ish underwear
• books by gabriel garcia marquez and isabel allende
• cat litter
• fishing line
• wire cutters
• shiny orange sneakers

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My mom's surgery went ok. She's on medical leave from work for some 20 days. The trip to Alaska was wonderful; I may post some of the things I wrote while we were driving. Though by the end I was ready to be home, it felt odd to be back. While we were traveling, the only things that mattered were where we were going to get gas next, when we got hungry or sleepy; I had books to plow through, knitting to finish, driving to do, and so forth. And then, we were back, and I had the house to myself, with nothing that I really needed to do. I slept.

I'm putting off taking my medication this morning. I've been feeling tired and sad and somewhat angry; I loathe the cold stiffness from within my bones, the dull swelling pain that grows giant inside me. And yet, some days I almost hate the two white pills that make me able to walk and drive and type more. I hate them because they remind me, and because I'll be chained to them until God knows when. I hate my body for not working as it should, my immune system for being clumsy and confused.

I'll take them, probably as soon as I'm done writing this. And then I'll take my cat to the vet and run errands and come back and be lazy and forget all about it, until tomorrow morning, when I wake up with slightly stiff joints and am reminded of the damn round pills.